It’s been roughly 9 years since I last posted on here. The only reason I’m doing so now is because my personal journal (not the journals I write in for the kids, or my journal I started specifically for writing down my spiritual experiences) somehow ended up in the storage unit while we are staying in Dan and Millie’s house in Richfield, they are on their mission. I kinda wanted a place to vent but I really just want to vent to myself. Or really just to Cam. But he’s working in Logan and I just don’t want to stress him out any more than he already is. So I’m just going to vent here for a minute.
It has been a rough couple of months. Funny how after everything we have gone through the last few years with my health and major financial stresses and Cameron working in Logan all week, and stuff with the kids etc. etc. that I would choose these last few months as the hardest in a loooong time. But man. Rough. Maybe just the straw that broke the camel’s back? I don’t know.... Probably I just let myself get too excited. The higher the high the lower the low? April will be 5 years since we decided to move from Logan. We were told that there would be electrical engineering positions opening up down here “anytime now” so we have waited and prayed. And waited and waited. And prayed. And PRAYED! We always felt like we were going the right direction. Doing what we were supposed to be doing. Finally in December both a job for Rocky Moutain Power and Garkane came open. We felt so great about the jobs. Particularly about the Rocky Mountain job. It felt like all of our patience and pleading and truly trying to be faithful were paying off and falling into place. Surely one of them would work out! Cameron interviewed for both. He felt really great after the Rocky Mountain job. But as day after day passed without hearing from them we figured something was up. When we finally got word we learned that they changed the job to be covered by an area planner and so the we’re doing away with the position here in Richfield. We were extremely disappointed to say the least. But Garkane was still on the table. That was the one he has really been wanting from the beginning anyway. Interviews took place in the last few weeks and we got the word yesterday. I sobbed. I’m still sobbing. I really can’t think of the last time I took anything this hard. Maybe nothing
since I moved to Logan and found out I was pregnant in the same week. That feeling of wow, now
what. I’m dreading that moment when the kids ask about the job. And I know they will because they do every few days. It’s now absolutely sure that staying in this area won’t be an option. Caeli will for sure not be attending this school next year for high school and she will be completely devastated. She has worked her butt of to be able to try out for cheer. Like 6 days a week, doing everything she can. I just don’t even know what to tell her. It’s likely that wherever we move will have bigger high schools so they will be holding tryouts before we can get moved there. Oy. Luckily I think the other two will be mostly ok.
But now what. Where do we focus our attentions. Cam really isn’t happy in his current job. And is really underpaid for a EE with a masters and 7+ years experience (although we would happily take underpaid to live in southern Utah!!!) So where do we go from here? We really felt like this is where we needed to be. So I’m questioning my ability to receive inspiration. In my current state, like how I’ve been in the last 24 hours I’m having a hard time feeling anything but anger and questioning my ability to even feel the spirit. So here’s the thing. I know. I know I know better. I know where the anger comes from, and I know that I can’t start the blame game. I know there is a plan. I know things will be ok. I know I can’t just let this keep boiling up inside forever. I know I want to keep mourning it. I know I need to let it go though. But dammit! It’s sooooooo hard! More Dew? I’m not sure that’s physically possible. More chocolate. Maybe? A screaming/swearing fit? Short term gratification followed by guilt I’m sure.... retail therapy used to work but lately that is followed by guilt too. *sigh.
This too shall pass
